Sunshine through the pouring rain...
Have you ever read a proverb and wondered how people ever looked at life so philosophically? For 22 years my life seemed so perfect and in the past 8 months it's become a land of chaos and fear. It's come to the point where I am just waiting for my life to begin. I'm ready to embark upon a career, a house that is my own, and a script that I can write. I guess going through college I never thought it would be a problem getting a job right after graudation. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. As it seems right now Michigan isn't going to have any teaching jobs available for a while. It's a little disappointing. I want to stay near my family. So here comes the question...can I survive the depression of not having a steady and reliable job...or can I survive being hours from my family? When it comes down to it, I don't know if I can handle either case.
Staying here and having a job that is unreliable at best has only made me upset, stressed, and aggervated, and it's only been 3 months. To do this a year, two years, or even more would drive me completely insane. On the other hand, leaving my family behind, not being able to drive around the corner to my grandma's scares the heck out of me. I guess if there is one thing I've realized it's that our time on this Earth isn't the longest. We get one life, with which we can choose to live as we please. For me, my life has always been filled with family. Leaving would be hard. But above the isolation of a place where I know no one, I'm frightened that in my absence something will happen to someone in my family and I'll regret leaving and not spending those extra days, months, etc with them.
For once I wish the answer was staring me in the face, for once I wish life wasn't so hard, that someone could give me a stage direction and tell me where to go or what to say. I don't think that I've allowed myself to realize how much I miss my dad. I've always had to be the strong one, the one everyone could count on. When my dad died, I was the one that kept a level head, the one that called 911, the one that gave CPR, the one who hid in the backroom alone when I realized what was reality, the one that had to listen to my mom running around the front yard screaming for help. The one who ran around making sure flowers, caskets, and everything was just right, or as right as a funeral arrangement could be. I still have no idea why I won't cry in front of anyone, why I can't talk about how I feel. The reality is that every time I see a father and a daughter it kills me knowing that he isn't here. Every time I see a wedding party, on TV or in real life, it kills me knowing that I'll never have that. Sure I can get married, but having a wedding without him here would only make it a million times worse and very far from the happiest day of my life.
I worry so much about my mom. Something happening to her, her being sad, or leaving her alone. I know I need to go out on my own, I know I can't do that here, but I don't know how to do it and feel like I'm NOT abandoning my family. It's natural for kids to leave home, but it's not natural for fathers to die at 52 years old and it's not natural for me to feel this way. I've surpressed my emotions so much when I'm around other people that I can't tell ANYONE how I feel, I guess that's where this journal plays a very important part in my sanity. For once I wish I could just tell someone how I felt, a real live person standing right in front of me, I want that contact, that person to hold me and tell me it will be okay. Because right now I feel alone, depressed, and like it's never going to be okay, ever. I know it's been less than a year, but that year mark is coming quickly, and it's not getting any better. My grandpa died 9 years ago (August) and THAT still isn't any better. I'm not so certain that I can go on feeling this way for the next 9+ years of my life. I'm sick of people telling me it will get better, because they don't know me, and I know that NOT talking about it doesn't help any, but every time I do talk about it (which is usually online) people say things that only make me more upset.
Some days I think I'm going crazy. I fear losing my mom and grandma so much, or something happening to one of them that I make myself hear things, only when I hear them I can't tell if it's real or not. I've become so overly paranoid that I don't know how I'll ever be able to move out. I'm constantly worrying about people. I would be very surprised if I didn't have a heartattack of my own by the time I'm 30.
Anyway, I have a few interviews this week, most are with school distrcits 2+ hours away from home. I'm not being overly optimistic about them, I know that most places want employees with experiences, but I am hopeful that I may get a job. I've decided to go back to school this summer and get an extra certification that will make me more appealing to school districts.